Do You Have a Support System in Place When Challenged with Parents’ Care?

I just returned a few weeks ago from caregiving for my parents who live in Southern California, which is an hour plane ride away from where I live in Northern California.  My mother had colon cancer and had surgery scheduled for October 4th (2010).  I have 3 older sisters, but it just so happened that I had the more “flexible” schedule due to me having my own businesses and them working “regular” jobs.  Luckily my 78-year-old mother’s surgery went without a hitch — and she was eating pot roast and chocolate cake 4 days after surgery — a miracle to us all!  And, luckily the cancer had not spread into the liver or 19 biopsied lymph nodes.  (Which was another miracle!)  Also, my 2 oldest sisters were able to take some time off work at the last minute, and because the charge nurse said that we needed to spend the night at the hospital due to my mother being a ”fall risk,” we were each able to spend a night at the hospital 3 or the 4 days during my mother’s stay. 

A Big Realization:
After the two weeks were over, and an exhausted me was on the plane flying back to the Bay Area, I realized how lucky I was to have my sisters be able to take “shifts” and stay overnight at the hospital, so I did not have to do it the all 3 nights and be totally “sleepless in Southern California.”  As you may or may not know, no one, including the patients, cannot get any real sleep at a hospital due to the constant (and necessary) activities that happen there.  (Every hour or less there are buzzers buzzing, nurses coming into the room due to shift changes, checking vitals, my mother practically jumping out of bed to get to the commode…there never seems to be a dull moment.)  While I must commend the health care workers and nurses on being totally committed and doing a fantastic job, I didn’t realize until afterwards how important it was that I was there with my mother and at her side when she needed something.  Then, I could easily buzz the nurses and communicate her needs — whether she wanted pain medication, or to get to the commode – and then have them do their job.  But the fact that one of us in the family was there during her stay there made all the difference in the world to her and I believe it helped her recover from her surgery much faster.

Using Each Support Person’s Strengths:
This also leads me to a point: It is important to have a support system in place when caring for elderly parents.  Whether or not you have siblings or caring friends or relatives, you must have these folks not only be a backup in case you are not available, but also that you have given someone authority to help with things that you may  not be good at or just do not want to do.  For example, my second to the oldest sister, Dawne, who works as an x-ray technician in a doctor’s office, is in charge of setting up appointments for my parents – her strength is that she knows how to deal with medical office staff and doctors when she needs to get my parents in for an appointment.  My older sister, who we refer to as “the general” only because she is straight-forward and gets the job done in an efficient manner — no matter what her obstacles — works on the financial end of things for my parents — dealing with estate lawyers, etc.  The second to the youngest sister (I am the youngest), is the closest, but works full time at a clinic does the day-to-day things — e.g. checking in with my parents on the way home from work, picking up items from the grocery store, taking them home from the emergency room or hospital if anything happens, etc.  Since I have over 7 years experience working in sales and marketing at senior living communities, I seem to be the “manager” of my parents care — helping to hire and direct the caregiver that they have coming in for 4 hours a day, 6 days a week, making a food menu or to do list for her, etc. 

You are probably saying to yourself, “Boy, Diane is sure lucky that she has 3 sisters and they all get along.  No one in my family gets along –all we do is fight.” Well, I understand that this is sometimes the case; however, I am sure you have  friends, neighbors, or other family members that you can depend on to be a part of the support system.  I would imagine that one of them are good at managing things, or another is good with people, or they have other strengths that you can utilize and help you set up a support system prior to your parents needing help.  This can be done informally, just by a phone call or a coffee visit to ask them if they wouldn’t mind helping you out.  If you do this ahead of time, things will go much smoother and you will realize that it takes a village to not only care for children, but older folks as well.